Thursday, June 04, 2015
2 minute ‘Intelligence’ synopsis
Maggie noodles is the most
dangerous packaged food India has ever consumed, and it’s a catastrophe which would
be worse than any pandemic, epidemic, tsunami or holocaust, in fact all put
together. The Indians who consumed it would be wiped out and soon we would all be
dead with noodle like worms squirming out of our bodies, or maybe it could be
noodles itself. India has always proven that they are the only country in the
world with highest and stringent standards of food hygiene. Our food granaries
are tested first with rats, and if no rats are dead then only it passes through
our FDA. In fact to further reinforce the quality, a good amount of our wheat gets
consumed by rats in the warehouses, and does not even reach the masses, but
left to rot. Even the poor were not given the surplus of grains as India
ensures the health of the poor as its first priority. These rats were observed
and studied closely to see how the wheat helps in building body mass and specially
in reproduction. This is to ensure continued increase of Indian population
statistics. Since we would be overtaking China on the economic front, we are
now ensuring our food quality is of highest standards to help procreation and
beat China at it.
Maggie’s 2 minute noodles have
found to be so lethal in toxins that it could kill an Indian in 2 minutes from
what the news channels give an impression. So the government should now form a
SIT (Special Investigation Team) to probe how many Indians who consumed Maggie
have died in 2 minutes. Since Nestle is a French Company, India’s Secret
Services RAW (Research Analysis Wing) should be engaged to know if this is not
an American conspiracy of chemical war fare since India purchased Rafale
fighter jets from France, and not patronized American fighter jets. Indian Army
has issued advisory to its personnel asking them not to eat Maggi noodles,
which is a good, smart and immediate swift precautionary step. Imagine our
defense forces being sabotaged. Army should be immediately fed on a diet of
Bombay’s street food pani puri. This was tested where one of the vendors urinated
in the vessel which was used to store the liquid health goo poured into the puri.
This vendor should be bestowed the ‘highest civilian honor’ for researching
perfect disinfecting method which has proved successful, as no one was reported
dead after eating the highly sanitized pani puri. In fact our late Prime
Minister Morarji Desai used to drink his own urine and we had one of the best
rule in India under his leadership. His longevity of life also proved it. Indians
salute such leaders who ensure testing of best food practices on themselves
which only further fortifies India’s serious dedication to high quality food
standards.
Another leader who should be
saluted is Sharad Pawar, who used to chew tobacco which confirmed tobacco is less
hazardous than Maggie noodles. In fact the glow on his newly formed face after the
tobacco habit, would put a lot of our models to shame. Cine stars who endorsed
Maggie should be ordered to ‘capital punishment’, as they could be agents of
ISI from Pakistan who are a mole for Paksitan’s nefarious activities in India, and
plan to poison our defense forces. This very possible angle should be now probed by
the Secret Services and maybe jointly with Isreali Intelligence, Mosad. Modi
should immediately seal this cooperation with the new relationship we are
forging with Israel. Since Pakistan failed with its army, terrorists and Dawood
Ibrahim to destabilize India, they could be now using our cine stars. A ploy
again which could have American patronage, like how they armed the Taliban to
fight the Russians.
The government’s swift action on
Beef Ban is again congratulatory as they don’t want Indians to eat cheap priced
protein. In fact India has proven cow urine is one of the best health nutrients
that a man can have. Cow urine should be immediately introduced and made
compulsory into school mid-day meals provided by the government. India has
managed to get Yoga recognized by the UN and June 21st would be Yoga
day. Strong lobbying should be now made in the UN and SAARC to declare a day
for drinking cow urine. All foreign dignitaries visiting India should be only
toasted with cow urine. With regards to Maggie, the company does not need to
worry, as we had Cadburys Chocolate with worms, and they were legally forced to
take remedial action because of our strong laws in India. Cadburys got into better
packaging technology and now the worms are packed in a better seal packaging.
They even got Amitabh Bachchan to endorse the product after that, to prove its
quality of worms are now safe. Amitabh even endorsed UTI, after it wiped out the
savings of many Indian investors. Since Maggie already has Amitabh as their
brand ambassador, their 2 minute noodles will back on the shelf and Amitabh
will prove how any Multinational can fool India and Indians in 2 minutes.
Monday, June 01, 2015
My friend Bon
Bonnie a.k.a. Bon and I have been friends right from the cradle to date, as our Mothers knew each other. Even had our primary schooling done together and we were like any other kids. Had our share of fights when in school, our share of fun and one day we parted as I went to continue my schooling from a boarding school. We may have met rarely and just would have exchanged hellos and carried on with our own clique of friends.
Then destiny had us meet us up again in a foreign shore. Bon hadn’t changed much, with his madness, name calling and leg pulling and wondered why was he called Bon and not Don, as he could be a terror with his idiotic foul mouthed verbosity, then I guess that what kept us going (though we didn’t, I feel sometimes) as I would be hitting back on his remarks and Bon would get innovative with the next crack he would want to have on me.
Suddenly with time we realized we had grown (sometimes with ol' buddies you just forget you have grown) and need to act mature, and so we tried too. Got into being concerned of each other lives, families, jobs, etc, and again life took its course and I moved again and Bon was doing great on his job, which he is still till date, and I was the grasshopper seeking greener pastures and convinced that the grass was green on the other side, as I have not seen grass any other color till date.
Thanks to technology which had
by then evolved in the late 90's, and we stayed connected with emails once in a while. Then the pain
of technology came with social Networking sites where we end up actually being
in a (virtual) place and have everyone around and everyone gets to see everyone
we know, and from the everyone we know they connect to the someone they would
know from the everyone in my list. I guess that’s why it is called Networking,
but does it really work? Well for Bon and me it worked as there again we were
connected.
If we were online we
would yell a hello and enquire on each other and move on till the last chat
which had an impact on Bon’s life. Bon was not yet married, and in the early
years of my married life I remember telling Bon, he needs to get married, and he
would come with his witty liners as why have a cow when you can buy milk, and
suddenly he realized that age had taken over and wished he had married a cow at
least.
My concern for Bon was always growing, as he was a great guy with a great job, nice family and everything perfect by which standards he should by now been in a happy married life. Just to understand his mind (wondered if he had one), I got curious as to why this delay. He always confided in me and said that he was looking for the perfect woman. I jokingly asked when one ever got a perfect woman. He did not get the drift as what I was trying to convey is that marriage is not about having a partner who is perfect, but about two un-perfect individuals getting together and trying to work out something perfect. Still it may not work out but then the trying is what marriage is all about, and in the process you don’t seek perfection in your partner but you try to be perfect for the other.
Bon was silent and I could
sense remorse, but what I appreciate of Bon is his modesty to accept my view and
thanked me for it. He just replied “Dude thanks for this insight, and the next
woman I am interested in, I will pop the question”. I just reminded him to
drive slow as there are millions who regret getting married. Then he was like
convinced, that if there is a marriage it would not be seeking perfection nor
having expectation, but seeking it in himself.My concern for Bon was always growing, as he was a great guy with a great job, nice family and everything perfect by which standards he should by now been in a happy married life. Just to understand his mind (wondered if he had one), I got curious as to why this delay. He always confided in me and said that he was looking for the perfect woman. I jokingly asked when one ever got a perfect woman. He did not get the drift as what I was trying to convey is that marriage is not about having a partner who is perfect, but about two un-perfect individuals getting together and trying to work out something perfect. Still it may not work out but then the trying is what marriage is all about, and in the process you don’t seek perfection in your partner but you try to be perfect for the other.
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